crackin' underneath it all / { warning lots of feels} [NRN]

[Derek Hale]

Notes: THIS COULD MAKE YOUR HEART BLEED AND POSSIBLY MAKE YOU CRY SO THIS IS A WARNING TO NOT READ IT UNLESS YOU DON’T MIND THE POSSIBILITY OF CRYING… I DON’T WANT TO PUSH  YOU ALL INTO DEPRESSION <3 AND MICHAEL (HAYDEN) READ THIS BEFORE POSTING AND SAID IT HAS BLEEEEEDING FEELS AND DEF THOUGHT I SHOULD WARN YOU! I hope i did him justice and all you know my fears of screwing things up.. feel free to drop me comments etc.

This takes place after Derek had visited Peter and becoming aware that he has a baby on the way…

Broken up into a few parts and is background info for this character, and if you all do want to do actual threads that pertain to this then hit me up via pm…… just wrote it out in a NRN sort of thing, but totally could indeed have several threads that stem for this story… *nods *

Derek was seething with anger and rage when he left Peter’s. he had opened a can of worms Derek tried to keep closed. None of his Betas knew about his first love. How he wished she could have lived. If she had maybe, he’d be different… Maybe he’d have never met Kate… or who knows maybe that too still would have ended in disaster and Paige would have turned and feel for someone better then him… he tried not to think about it much because he’d be plagued with what if’s and now his uncle died to fill his head with them what ifs. He was so angry he was shaking and Peter was lucky that he left and didn’t kill him. He was lied too… It was a secret kept from him that this woman was pregnant and how he had given another hell for such a thing. She had better keep their secret or she would be dead. He couldn’t believe his uncle. Both of them surely knew how to pick them and Derek would be waiting for this to blow in his face….It would probably blow sky high. Hell the alphas were the least of Peter’s worries? What could be worse then them? He didn’t know if he wanted to know. One way or another he knew he’d be smack dab in the middle of whatever chaos his uncle roped up.

Gripping his steering wheel he started his car and left before he went back upstairs and tried to kill them both in which he’d probably be the only one to die since Peters girl is a witch…. In addition, pregnant with a zomberwitchywolf! Yes, he thinks it will be a zombie baby with Peter’s undead sperm and all… He did not want any more surprises so what did he do. He headed to town and bought a boatload of condoms… Which really doesn’t help his cause with some people thinking he is boning his betas, which are under age? He wasn’t thinking due to the fact he was clearly angry and didn’t want any more babies… Babies would automatically be pack and they’d be accepted into the pack, but Derek really wasn’t ready for little babies and they are not even his. He will fail to protect them like everyone else. What if the alphas really did want these babies? He didn’t know they can’t protect themselves. Therefore, the logical thought was no more babies! If any of them are going to be sexually active, they needed protection… Surely, he wasn’t ready to give them all the sex talk and hoped to god that they still had health and sex ed in school. 16 was mate able in the werewolf community, but they are not ready for that kind of responsibility and needed to wait… He’d prefer until they are 30, but he isn’t their parents so he’d be lucky if it waits until they are all 18 and considered adults. Who knows how many of them actually already had gotten further then he’d like.

He didn’t wait and his hormones took over and look how he screwed himself… into a god-awful nightmare that was now his life the only good thing out of it is the amazing people he has met that he is sure he will screw up. Hell he is screwing up by giving teenagers condoms most likely, but at least they’d be safe and there would be no more babies. He couldn’t deal with any more surprises of that caliber… Sure, his uncle was old enough for children it just didn’t seem right with all that is going on… It is all bad timing and well he wasn’t sure he trusts the woman. How long had his uncle known her? Would she keep their secret? Were they all in danger? Those warning DANGER signs were flashing threw his head. He didn’t want this to bite him in the ass later. Derek had then gone to bash his head on the wall a few hundred times hoping it was all just some bad dream, but not it wasn’t. He needed to do something to take his mind off all of this… Go for a run maybe? Who knows… He could just let his anger get the better of him and continue to bash his head against the wall… maybe he’d knock himself out. It was worth a try at least eh? To not have to think for a while could be good.



The Nightmares

Derek had spent the night calming his anger and feeling of appending doom by doing various things. He didn’t really get a wink of sleep that night at all just took care of everyone else trying to distract his thoughts and managed to keep the snapping at everyone to a minimal. Morning came and he had to get them all off to school. School was important and they needed to go. He even got Thaila enrolled after seeing someone to get all the proper documents to get them all into school. She was smart for her age. Sure, she lived in a fairy tale world, but she was smart. He had to push some of them out off bed and that is how daily bite wars seemed to start and they never got old, but hey at least he didn’t bite them bite them causing marks via werewolf teeth that would take longer to heal. After they were all at school, he had decided to go for a run let off some extra pent up steam… Once home he thought he’d just close his eyes for a few minutes rest.. He didn’t think he’d fall asleep into a deep sleep a place he didn’t like to go. A place where horror lives….

Sometimes when he closes his eyes, he pretends he is all right, but it is never enough… The walls come crashing down when sleep takes over. The inner demons are released and everything he blames himself for washes to the surface. He blames himself for so much it is suffocating. The weight could kill him slowly. The fears he has choked down drift to the surface and this is why he tries to never fall asleep from the exhausting physical and emotional strain on his body gives way causing him into a deep sleep a sleep he doesn’t want to drift too because that is where the demons are. They taunt him. They tease him and are merciless. He is the reason Paige is dead. It is his fault! It is all his fault. He is the reason his family is dead too. He could not control his hormones once again and they are dead because he was stupid enough to be manipulated by a pretty face. He will never be a good enough alpha not like his mother or his sister. Hell he thinks Laura being dead is his fault too. If he had came with her maybe she wouldn’t be where she is now. He tries to keep it together for his betas. He tries to keep them safe the best he can, but even that does not seem enough they still get hurt. Everyone around him gets hurt. It is as if he is cursed. Cursed to doom those he loves. How much longer before they all die? It is something he expects to happen and so do the demons that haunt his dreams….they tell him he will fail and they will die and suffer just like his family.

In his dreams, he can hear his family screaming for help their flesh burning, healing, and burning someone the smell is overwhelming and volatile. Burnt flesh is nauseating. It twists his insides all in knots. Knots that he just wants to claw at and rip to shreds. Tears stream down his face in even as he dreams and flow freely they can’t be stopped the flood gates are open and his heart is beating a mile a minute in his chest the weight of it all heavy on his chest causing his breathing to be erratic. his claws come out without realizing, clawing at his flesh when his family taunts him standing in front of him burning to death in his dreams telling him that it is his fault they are where they are. That he should have known better. She was Argent and that last name means silver… Silver is what kills them. Not actual silver, but one that bares the name. The hunters had found them and broke the agreement and they should NEVER be trusted EVER. Do not let a pretty face fool you. Perhaps this is why he despises Allison so much and does not like Scott chasing after her. He doesn’t want history to repeat it’s self and his family taunt him telling him it will happen again and it will be his fault and that he should just kill her already and be done with it, but Derek doesn’t want to kill not unless he has to. He doesn’t want to start a war they cannot win and this is why his dead family tells him he is weak and they are disgusted with him that he disgraces the Hale family name. Not to mention he is actually one speaking terms with another Argent as well. He disgraces them by this and he is a big failure. Harsh words area always exchanged in these dreams and he struggles to breathe, but usually when he has such horrific nightmares, he is alone always alone.

Derek hasn’t let himself get to such depths in his dreams for ages now. If anything maybe only once since he first took Isaac in. He too suffers from bad nightmares his own demons that suck him in casing him pain and anguish. Fear and emotional distraught radiates off him. It is a smell Derek is all too familiar with when Isaac dreams. Derek usually tries to stay semi conscious to help him with his demons instead of facing his own. His own are harsh and their words cut like knives dipped in wolves bane poisoning him slowly as causing his chest to tighten and feel as thought it is collapsing. He always wakes up in a panic not being able to tell where he is. He’d be kicking himself if he could for letting himself drift into a slumber this deep. He is probably going to freak the beta’s that live with him out if they hear him or see what these dreams do to him and these ones haunting him are worse then they have ever been. Blood seeping onto his sheets from trying to rip the knots out of his stomach the wounds healing and being ripped open again encrusting his sheets with new layers of blood. His dream turns from his parents too Paige who ‘d yell at him telling him it is his fault she is dead and that she wished that she never met him and how much she hates him and never loved him and that crushes his heart a little bit more… Kate then taunts him in his dreams and tries to bait and play with him tortures him with her toys and acidic tongue always trying to remind him that how much of a good time they had and how she can’t wait to get her finger into him on the other side or if she ever comes back. It is a nightmare he wishes never to come true. Derek fears this since Peter had managed to come back what if she finds a way since Peter had killed her.

Tears stain his cheeks as the dreams and guilt prod at him. How he wishes he could shut them off, but perhaps he deserves these dreams with them being his fault. Part of him feels guilty for missing Kate in a weird demented way. He was happy with her once until she had betrayed him and his family. Manipulated his poor teenage heart. He should have known a woman of that beauty couldn’t be interested in him. Why would she when there are hundreds of gorgeous men out there. He had hit puberty yes, but he didn’t fill out and she had been right he had grown up in all the right places and his hatred for her had grown over the years. She is dead and he still hates her and fears what she may have planned there are probably still hunters out gunning for him trying to end what she couldn’t finish. She failed in killing him and seeing her in his dreams always tells him that she has other out there to get him. Allison will snap and kill him and everyone he loves and that makes him despise the girl all the more. How much longer before Chris snaps too? After Kate, his dreams turn to dreams of his beta’s and how he failed them. He sucks as a person and an alpha and he got them all killed… they are haunting him from the other side. Every one of them dead and how they wished they had never met him at all. He failed to protect them.

He grumbled in his sleep, his heart wrenching … sweat dripping off his body… He could take the other dreams, but this one this one was new… This one was more heart crushing then the others. Derek would die for any of his beta’s and would die trying to protect them but this dream he’d die if it ever came true. He’d literally would kill himself. ‘ NO’ and ‘ I’m sorry’ could be heard over and over again under his breath. Things such as this sprawled from his Beta’s lips ‘ I’ll never find my family’, ‘I’ll never learn to drive.’, ‘ I’ll never be able to graduate and leave this town. I didn’t want to die in it.’, I’d have been better off going to jail for my fathers murder. Anything would have been better then dealing with you all the time day after day.’, I’ll never be able to date and go to the Olympics for gymnastics.. I hate you.’ ‘ I’ll never be able to be a fairy princess now.’, ‘ I’d have been a better Alpha then you.’, Nice going, Derek. I came back to this.. And now I am dead like the rest of our family. This should have been you.. It always should have been you. If I could rip your face off I would. You deserve die a thousand deaths.’, ’ My daughter will never grow up with her father..’ They all then told him they hated him and that they wished they’d never had met him and that they should have followed done what Scott did and refused to be part of the pack and if they had they’d possibly still be alive instead of being under such a failures care. His breathing hitched in his chest, his claws digging into his chest right above his heart as if trying to grip at it and rip it out it hurt too much.. Gasping for breaths, but it was as if he couldn’t get any breath to muster, blood rolling off his chest as his nails tried to dig a little deeper. If he was awake blood could be tasted in his mouth. It was pooling and bubbling in his chest causing him to spit up onto his pillows. The dream literally killing him…

Peter had strolled into his dream laughing at him telling him how much he sucked as an alpha and doesn’t know anything at all and even told him Jackson would have made a better leader…at least he wouldn’t have lead them all to their deaths… that had made Derek’s heart sink more. Melissa and Sheriff Stilinski appeared in the dream blaming him for their kids death and wished that the Hales never set foot in Beacon Hills…. And they’d make sure he dies a slow and painful death.. He had got them all killed and he did deserve that. He deserved whatever punishment they could dish at him, but nothing at all could compare to the inner turmoil that he is feeling. Derek doesn’t know this is just a dream nor does he know he is basically killing himself with these fears and burdens of the past playing at this head. He hated himself for dooming them to suffer by just knowing him. He wished he could change things and make them better, but it’s too late.. It is always too little too late… and now they are gone all of them and he was left heart broken and without a family once again except for peter that annoying little leech always seemed to fair well. Why did life suck for him so bad? What god did he piss off? Death would be to sweet and kind to him he deserved to suffer and feel everyone he ever killed misery rolling threw his veins and needed to be punished. It felt as if wolves bane was raving its way threw his veins making it more difficult to breath….one part of his mind and body struggled to live while the other embraced his fate.

It wasn’t till Kate made her way back into his dreams telling him to come to her so they could play and that he was half way there all he had to do was crush that heart of his and he’d be hers once more a growl left his lips, and his fingers let go their grip he woke up gasping for air trying to slow his heart rate. it was racing as if it were going to explode out of his chest and burst all over the room… blood still bubbling and dripping out of his mouth as he struggled with his sheets. His chest felt heavy as if he were drowning. He wondered if they’d all be better off with out him… He had to calm down or he’d see how much better they’d be without him in their lives. He had to try to be better.. Be a better alpha like his mother. She was the best alpha any one could have ever asked for and in comparison to her he was nothing not even a blimp on the radar screen. He kept struggling with the sheets, he felt weak, but his wounds were already starting to heal just caked blood on his body. Shirt torn to shreds yet again and slowly but surely his heart rate went down. He was ashamed of himself for letting things get this far for not waking up sooner… and he didn’t know how he’d be able to look at his beta later on and he couldn’t help, but wonder if he’d get them all killed and if he really is the big fat failure he thinks he is.

Once he calmed which took ages he got up, and showered tossing his ripped shirt into the trash, letting the hot water message his head, and his aches and pains. How sometimes he really hated his life. Things had to get better right? He got cleaned up…. Dressed again forgetting about his bedding which could indeed freak some out later, but completely escaped his thoughts and headed to town on a mission to the nearest flower shop.



Where my family dwells

Everything was becoming too much… too much too fast and he didn’t know what to do. He sucked at being an alpha and continued to fail. Would they all be better off without him? Perhaps they’d flourish more with a different pack? He didn’t know he just knew he didn’t know what he was doing and everyone around him gets hurt. It was only a matter of time before everyone he loves dies like in the dream he had before he fled the house. He hadn’t taken the car and thought walking or running would help clear his thoughts. He needed to clear them and hopefully he’d get his head on track and everything would be okay. He won’t admit it to them, but he loves his pack they are his world and he’d do whatever it takes to keep them safe even if it meant dying himself. He just wished he could do a better job like his mother… she was amazing and full of life… Happy…. Derek may brood and whine, but his pack makes him happy even if he doesn’t show it much. A few of them have dipped below that icy stone hard surface and get glimpses of what he was like before everything went bad. Before his family had died… before he killed the girl, he loved. He often wonder if things would have worked out with them or what she would be now if she were still alive. They are things he hated to think about, but every now and again they cross his mind. More so now seeing as Peter dug his claws into his heart opening that wound again. How he hated that man right now and wondered how his mother wasn’t anything like the manipulative man he calls an uncle.

He had scribbled a note ‘be back later need to cool off.’ - Derek, and left it by the house phone not even knowing if anyone would check it before he had headed outside and into the woods. He had walked slowly… stopping every now and again to catch his breath. He was healing, but still winded as if a heavy pressure was building up on his chest suffocating… Holding his breath every now and again actually reading it somewhere that it helps and it did a little. What would take him usually maybe 20 minutes threw the woods took him at least an hour if not longer. It felt like longer. His body ached and his mind was protesting, but he had to go… he had too. He now seemed to know why pack sleeping in his bed seemed to comfort him kept the sound sleeping away because he was taking care of them. They were more important. He’d rest just not deeply he’d focus on their heart beats, but with them all being at school and being to overly exhausted he had fallen asleep and had horrific nightmares. Ones he wishes never to relive and hope to go he’d never ever have to deal with his beta’s being killed they are his family now. Derek stopped at the coffee shop, grabbed a steaming hot cup off coffee take away of course, and headed on down to the florist in whom the gorgeous girl at the counter helped him pick out flowers and flirted with him thinking they were for some special woman, but they weren’t. He didn’t get why she’d flirt with him of all people he looked as if a train backed over him a few times, but he forced a smile to be polite. He told him there had to be some lilies and plumeria in the bunch. It was his mother and sisters favorites. He couldn’t tell her he was going to visit his family. He hasn’t been there forever not since after the funeral for Laura, which consisted of really him... He couldn’t bring himself to go again after that but now seemed as good enough time as any.

He didn’t even go over and visit when he had rescued Isaac from that Rogue omega. He didn’t know what to say or do and was it lame to talk to them? He didn’t know. He had paid the girl, and bid her a good day wincing a little as he moved his wounds would heal slowly since he did it to himself. He had bandages and headed out the door and to the cemetery with flowers in hand starring at the gate as if it were lined with mountain ash iffy to go in there. Pacing back and forth slowly he sighed and went in… and headed to the hale plot. Looking at the beautiful stone bending down tracing his fingers over the marble slab. Laura had picked it out. Her name was now scrolled on it, and he frowned how he wished it were a nightmare, but it was not. She was there and he didn’t like it. “It is my fault you all are here… Even you Laura.” He spoke softly his chest still burnt and his voice a little raspy. He could feel his eyes watering, but he didn’t want to cry. He had to be strong. Laura was a strong alpha. She didn’t break easily. She never seemed to have the nightmares like he had, but she was older then him maybe she was able to cope with more…” I am sorry I failed you all, and sucked as son causing you all death. It should have been me.” He explained. “You all should have lived it was my screw up and it’s not fair you are all gone.” he placed the flowers in one of the vases. Laura used to have flowers sent here and seemingly still does since he never cancelled the orders. Derek doesn’t talk much about his family, but he has little bits and pieces to some of the pack members.

He missed so much about his family and it hurt, every day it hurts. He has his new family now, but still isn’t the same as his flesh and blood. He has Cora and Peter, but he misses Laura and his mom and the rest of them. The wolf moon traditions, training. He should probably try to start some of his own with his pack, but would they be interested? Derek placed his coffee down by the stone slab letting his fingers trace over the names. “I miss you all,” he whispered. “I wish you could tell me what to do mom you are an amazing alpha. No one could compare ever, but Laura did a good job. You would be proud of her. I wish you all were here. You would like the pack and would baby them as if they were your own kin. They are all something special, are different, and have their own strengths, but some just don’t like to listen and it isn’t as if I can give them a time out can I? I know Laura would so give them one… no one wanted to mess with Laura. She would make you feel like you were a bad puppy who chewed on her favorite shoe if you pissed her off. I even miss those days.” Derek said. “I am sorry it has been so long since I came here. It hurts too much. I hope you understand. I feel you all around me still when I am at the house. It still smells like you all underneath the burnt shell it is. Part of me would love to rebuild it one day, but the city took it over.” he frowned after them words left his lips. “Doesn’t mean I’ll stay away,” he told them.

“I got the pack a new place and I stopped living like a cave man and out of a duffle. It was something I did a lot when Laura and I first moved to New York and she’d call me out on it daily. I try my best to give them a proper place especially the ones who have no one like I had for the longest time. I see myself in them all. Even a little bit of me before the fire and what happened with Paige. I don’t know how to become that person again. I don’t know if I ever can.” he chewed on his lower lip It was the truth he didn’t. He wished he could go back to being that carefree teen. “I love you, guys and miss you more then words can express.” It was true that he did. He missed them and even sometimes, he catches scent that smells just like them. “I am probably a fool for sitting here talking to a grave as if you all can hear me. “ I had a dream I failed the pack and got them all killed and I cannot live threw that. I can’t. I wish you could give me a sign how to get them threw this.” his hands still etching the letters. “I love them all, but I won’t ever tell them and I will die trying to get them all threw school and to college all the things I couldn’t enjoy…” He said with a soft smile, but wondered if he’d be alone once again when they leave to go to college. “ I am scared to even utter the words I love you now thinking that will doom them to death.“ every one he has said I love you too has died painful horrible deaths. The thought right there made him sad. “I think I should get back in touch with other packs just in case something happens to me. It is the smart thing to do. Wouldn’t it?” He asked as if waiting for an answer. “They’d need to be okay in case I died,” his voice faltered a little at the idea of that, but he really would die for any one of them if push came to shove. He sniffled a little picking up his coffee…” Well now. I think this is good bye for now. Please watch over all of us. We’re going to need it.” He said and bent over and kissed the head stone softly, before standing up whispering a soft “I love you. I‘ll come back soon. Thanks for listening.“ and starring at it before making his way back out the gate of the cemetery, and heading home. If any one heard anything he had said to his families grave site he’d be mortified and most would think he was a nut for the things he had said and hoped the white coats wouldn’t be after him now.

He had to make it home before his new family got in from school so he could clean the room. He should have done so before he left, but wasn’t thinking…. He hoped he made it in before them.